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Girl’s resolution to be nicer fails because everyone is an idiot





- satire

Girl’s resolution to be nicer fails because everyone is an idiot

2017 is no different


Lincolnshire, IL--When college junior Adriana Hanson watched the ball drop on New Year’s in her high school friend’s basement, she decided to be a nicer person in 2017. Unfortunately, Hanson’s kindness lasted about as long as Mariah Carey’s dignity in 2017, due to the fact that she is constantly surrounded by idiots.

The resolution endured approximately one second, when her ex-boyfriend from high school tried to kiss her at midnight.

Rather than saying, “Oh, Robby, I don’t think that would be a good idea,” Adriana became aggressive. “Fuck off Robby!" She said. "Like I would even make out with you after how fat you got at college.”

Remembering her resolution, Adriana mumbled an apology and continued drinking. She managed to make it through the rest of the night without driving anyone to tears, but when she woke up she realized just how difficult her New Year’s Resolution would be.

Adriana's younger sister, in an effort to fulfill her own resolution of being more grateful, woke up early to cook breakfast for the family. As she had never actually touched the stove, however, the pancakes were runny and the bacon was burnt. “Jesus Christ Sarah, no wonder you haven’t gotten into college yet. You are literally the dumbest human I have ever met.”

Adriana once again apologized after a scolding from her parents and got a bowl of cereal. “So how was your night?” her mom asked, “Was that cute boy there? That Tommy boy? He definitely had a crush on you in high school.” Adriana threw her dish into the sink and yelled back, “OHMYGOD MOM YOU’RE SO ANNOYING JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Adriana soon realized being nice would be impossible at home, so she allowed herself to wait until she returned to school. As she stepped into her dorm room, Adriana thanked a girl she’d never met before who was holding the door open.

Her pride from being nice quickly vanished, however, when the girl replied “No problem. Happy Holidays!”

“It is very clearly no longer the holidays. We’re back at school you moron," Adriana replied. After seeing the girl’s horrified face, it was clear to Adriana that her resolution was futile. Just as celebrities would continue to die in 2017, Adriana knew being curt and insolent was in her nature. She altered her resolution to not cursing at dogs on the street who accidentally brushed by her.