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10 Reasons My Dad Probably Hasn’t Returned from the Grocery Store for Milk 8 Years Ago (But Will Be Back Soon!)

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10 Reasons My Dad Probably Hasn’t Returned from the Grocery Store for Milk 8 Years Ago (But Will Be Back Soon!)

7.28.17

This article was originally written by Maggleton for The Rival UMD in February 2016.

Eight years ago today, my dad, my best buddy, headed out into the winter wind to get some more milk for his family, the family he loves very much. He hasn’t come back (yet!), but there are so many reasons for this! Check out the 10 reasons my dad is probably being delayed from coming home to see his best little guy: me!

1. It was awfully cold that night. He may have been swept up in the snow, blown away by the strong gusts of icy wind, and turned around so much that he is still trying to find his way home.

2. He could’ve been kidnapped by a horde of jealous fatherless children who wanted my dear ol’ dad all for themselves!

3. My dad may have experienced a minor stroke and lost some memory. He could be wandering around, dazed and confused, but with the innate knowledge that out there somewhere, he has a child (me!)
whom he loves very, very much.

4. Dad, please come back.

5. He could’ve realized he wanted to get a better job and become more financially stable and is saving money to one day surprise me with both his presence as well as loads of money to help me pay off my crippling student debt.

6. Milk is actually bad for me since I’m lactose intolerant. He’s probably searching for the best lactose-free, calcium-enriched drink for me, the light of his life, whom he would never actually leave.

7. He’s not coming back, is he. He’s never coming back.

8. He could have joined the Peace Corps to help out all of the other kids in the world that need a dad temporarily, and once he’s done being a great dad to them, he’ll come back to me, his real kid, to be a great dad to me, too! What a dad!

9. My whore of a mother probably drove him away.

10. I’m so lonely.