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I’m in Favor of Banning Guns, as Long as We Can Still Throw Bullets Really Hard at Each Other

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I’m in Favor of Banning Guns, as Long as We Can Still Throw Bullets Really Hard at Each Other

7.28.17

This article was originally written by Corey Rennolds at The Rival UMD in June 2016.

By Richard Simmons, Concerned Citizen.

In light of recent events, I decided that it was finally time to speak out as a member of the community. Look, I understand that gun control is a sensitive issue for a lot of people; gun deaths in this country are skyrocketing, and politicians aren’t doing their job well enough to keep us safe from those who intend to do us harm through the use of firearms. However, there are those who cite the Second Amendment right to bear arms and say that banning guns outright would be unconstitutional. Personally, I’ve come to the conclusion that banning guns would ultimately be in the best interest for American citizens overall—as long as we can still grab a handful of bullets and throw them really hard at one another, at least.

I don’t see any downside to this. See, by allowing ordinary citizens to continue owning bullets, which they can hurl at high velocity towards thieves and ne’er-do-wells, we maintain the right to protect ourselves and our property while cutting down on mass shootings and accidental discharges. You simply can’t massacre an entire school or shopping mall unless you’ve got really deep pockets, great aim, and the arm strength of a Major League Baseball pitcher. And no more young’uns getting their sticky hands on daddy’s rifle and accidentally blowing his ear off—how many toddlers do you know that can toss a 9mm hollow point with deadly force? Not many, I’d imagine.

When you think about it, a lot of activities that normally involve guns would become more engaging when the gun itself is taken out of the equation, leaving only the ammunition. Hunting quail suddenly becomes less about being able to afford a shotgun with decent spread, and more about one’s own physical strength and accuracy, which could encourage us to stay in shape—there’s an obesity problem in this country, if you weren’t aware. A game of catch between father and son is transformed into a future training exercise to prepare for home invasions or back-alley assaults. And no more fat, lazy cops; you’d better come fit, sharp, and practically bursting the seams of your sleeves with your massive, veiny biceps.

“You simply can’t massacre an entire school or shopping mall unless you’ve got a lot of really deep pockets, great aim, and the arm strength of a Major League Baseball pitcher.”

I think it’s a fair compromise. The Second Amendment wouldn’t be violated, because we’d still have the right to bear arms: our arms. Our huge, jacked, insanely powerful arms. Eventually, we can dispense of the bullets entirely, because gangsters and thugs will hoof it at the mere sight of our ripped, law-abiding citizens. But of course, nothing can beat the simple pleasure of heading up to the mountains for a weekend to sling slugs at soda cans on your granddad’s property.

What do we have to lose? For our own safety, let’s make away with the guns—just hang onto the cartridges, because some Muslims just moved into the neighborhood, and I’ve been working on my fastball.