This article was originally written by Corey Rennolds at The Rival UMD in March 2016.
COLLEGE PARK, MD—Sources close to area resident Ernie Franklin suggested to reporters earlier today that Franklin is completely unable to determine where the odor of cat piss is coming from within his house. Franklin, 27, rents a one-story, three-bedroom house in College Park, Maryland, which is currently being ravaged by noxious fumes of urine of presumably feline origin.
“I’m completely at a loss,” Franklin told reporters, confirming the situation. “I don’t even own a cat. I know I’m not going crazy. I walk in, immediately think ‘something smells like cat piss,’ and then the smell goes away when I go outside.”
Further questioning led to the revelation that, indeed, neither Franklin nor his two roommates, Sarah Weber, 25, and Ronald Sharper, 28, care for a cat or in fact any other domesticated mammalian species typically kept as pets.
“We keep the windows closed and the door locked when nobody’s home, so it’s a mystery,” said Sharper while spraying a can of Airwick in the common room. “It would sure suck to have people over if we can’t get rid of this smell. Seriously, what’s the deal?”
Franklin emphasized that he maintains vigilance in apprehending the culprit, but insisted that first they solve the problem of the smell at hand.
“The worst part is that we can’t figure out the exact spot where the smell’s originating. So we’ll spray some air freshener and come back in an hour and the smell will be back. It’s pretty annoying. I think there was a raccoon around the house the other night, but there was no way it got in.”
“I mean, what the fuck,” added Franklin.
After several hours of searching, Franklin reportedly threw up his hands and suggested that they “just burn the whole fucking thing down.”